A married couple is having dinner…

Wife: hey, if ever something ever happened to me and death did us part, do you think you would get married again?
Husband: honestly hon, I don’t know

Wife: If you did re-marry, would you two live in the same house as we do?
Husband: yeah, I love this house. I don’t see any reason to go through the trouble of moving out

Wife: would you two sleep in the same bed as us?
Husband: I think so. We have a really comfortable bed, I don’t see a reason to get a new one

Wife: would you two eat off the same dishes as us?
Husband: yeah, I love these dishes. They’re beautiful and easy to clean, I don’t need a new set of dishes.

Wife: Would you let her wear my clothes?
Husband: Now that’s just silly, of course not. She’s much too thin to wear any of them.

“””””

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I went to the doctor and I said “Doctor My butt hurts!”

He said “Can you tell me exactly where it hurts?”

I said “right around the entrance, it’s really sore”

He said “My advice is that as long as you call that the entrance it’ll hurt”

“””””

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A gigantic message shows up in space one day. The words, seemingly written out of pure light, spell “WHO ARE YOU?”. Amazingly, the message is understood by every human on Earth, as each person sees it in their native language.

Humanity collectively notices the message, making it the global #1 priority. All conflicts cease, and crime plummets to an all-time low. There has never been a more peaceful time on Earth, as the news of this mysterious message consumes everyone’s thoughts and conversations.

Leaders from around the world assemble to discuss the best way to respond. While some urge caution, it is quickly agreed that the message must come from peaceful beings. If not, they wouldn’t have wasted any time trying to communicate with a life form they detected and would have instead invaded directly.
Humanity decides to respond in kind. Since the origin or mechanics of the message are unclear, it’s agreed that the best way to reply is to create a massive message on Earth’s surface, visible from space. They decide to write in blue, thinking the color might contrast well against the natural landscape. As such, their observer would be able to see the answer, and a conversation could begin.

Humanity starts writing the message in the steppes of central Asia. People from all around the world enthusiastically join in. They bring sheets, towels, clothes, – anything they can paint blue and lay on the floor. Hundreds of millions of people end up joining the project, in a display of unparalleled global cooperation. Some even paint themselves blue and lie down, hoping to make the message bigger.
Finally, the message is complete. Across the world, billions watch with bated breath as Earth responds: “WE ARE HUMANS.”

For a few tense moments, nothing happens. Then, suddenly, the original message disappears. A wave of excitement and anxiety sweeps over humanity, as everyone waits for the next move.
And then, the lights return, forming a new message:
“IT’S NOT YOU WE’RE TALKING TO.”

“””””

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A pastor’s wife goes to the grocery store for dinner ingredients. She stops by the butcher and asks for the best ham. Butcher comes back and says “here’s your dam ham”

Shocked, the pastor’s wife responds “Watch your language, the Lord doesn’t approve of cursing”.
“No ma’am, that’s the name of the ham” the butcher replies.

Embarrassed, the woman collects the ham and nods as she turns to leave. Later, the pastor comes home as his wife is preparing dinner. He asks her what smells so good.

“It’s the dam ham, it will be ready shortly” the wife responds.

“Lord have mercy on my wife. Dear, you should not curse, you know better. What example will you set for the congregation saying such things” the pastor says with a surprised look on his face.

“No dear, it’s the name of the ham” she says with a slight smirk on her face.

With a look of embarrassment, the pastor kisses his wife on the cheek and starts to set the table. When dinner is served, the whole family is at the table: the pastor, his wife, and his son. They say grace and dig in.

“Dear, can you pass the dam ham?”

With a grin ear to ear, the son replies “that’s the spirit Dad, pass the f**king potatoes”

“””””

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